So the number of times I've actually been asked this is more than one but still less than five, and I figured I'd go ahead and address this publicly before it became something I got sick of answering and just sort of ignored.
Also, there was this article in the New York Times recently that Harper showed me, about what the things we search for on Google tell us about the basic insecurities of our fellow humans on the planet. I can't stress this enough, read the article. It helps so much.
So this question was sort of a big deal for guys, the second most-asked question related to men's sexual performance:
"How can I last longer during sex?"
Before we go any further, mini rant:
I personally suspect that most guys think they should be fucking like porn stars, and I know this is going to come as a HUGE shock to guys, but this is something you should know:
Movies aren't real.
Especially not pornos.
But if you really want to fuck like a guy in teh prons, study the things they do to last so long. Viagra's a big deal to them. Also, treat fucking like a job. Do it several times a day (stamina comes from practice) every day on contrived sets thrown together in someone's apartment with umbrella lights glaring on you, with people watching, critiquing, and giving you instructions in the background while you're screwing a partner who's fucked so many people they can't even fake being interested in your tool that's gone numb from sloshing around in a hole that's been stretched by you and your tool and your co-workers' tools for half-hour to forty-five minute fuck marathons. And there's all kinds of drugs that hate brain cells to take.
The more you think about fucking like a porn star, the less interesting it seems, really.
So if that's not the problem, then keep going. Below are some actual things that have changed my personal performance in ways that are beneficial. I think this is actually some good advice, and if you email me asking about it, this is basically what I'm going to say. So don't email me about it. Just read this.
I'm telling you things that work for me, because it's something I've managed to overcome in the last few years.
This shit works for me, and it's not hard to do.
These aren't penetrating insights, and may seem anti-climactic, and yeah, that's totally on purpose and entirely the point.
Ok, enough. On with the actual advice:
LOVE YOUR LOVER
I know this is a no brainer, but a major issue with stamina for me was that I wasn't interested in my partner very much. That's not ONLY because they hated me and blamed me for everything personally, or got on my nerves, or lied and cheated on me (so many times), though that does tend to make you care less about your lover's satisfaction.
No, I was a selfish douche who was just in it for myself. Even the "wanting to last longer" thing was just so I could feel better about myself. It wasn't about the partner, it was just me. I'd get started and get excited about how good it would feel, and fed on that until I was just totally into the orgasm.
Being with someone you love and actually care about changes things. You're less nervous and more interested in the process. You're not in a hurry. You're into the shape of their jawline, the smell of their skin. The saltiness of their sweat. The flush of their cheeks. You learn what makes them get there, and the journey is awesome. You don't mind taking breaks and getting over yourself while you minister to the brethren or sistren.
Be the kind of lover who loves their lover, and it makes a huge difference.
HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE
A drink helps relax you, and lets you take your time a bit more. It suppresses the CNS and lowers inhibitions. Don't take too many shots, that gets to be a problem, but a shot a half hour or so before you're making love is great for, ahem, some people. If drinks aren't your thing, don't drink 'em. It's just something I've noticed.
Breathing slower makes you last longer. I don't know why, but it's true, and it works. Perhaps loving your lover helps you breathe more slowly, and being a little relaxed from a drink also makes you more relaxed and helps you breathe more slowly. Maybe that's the secret, breath control. I don't know for sure. These are just observations.
Ok, so this is the BIG SECRET that is probably the thing that's actually helped me the most. And it's totally about breath control, so that's a good contender for being the thing that makes these things work. Because the secret of the sphere of Venus is that the entire universe is One spirit separated into many spirits so it can fuck itself all the time, and in every language ever the word for "spirit" is traced back to "breath." But that's probably just a coicidence.
I do pranayama like every day now because A:.A:. things, and there's this thing Jason teaches in his book, Sex, Sorcery, and Spirit about throat and asshole locks. Mula Bandha is the asshole lock. Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about, but Jason's book is better about this than I will be for at least 30 years.Suffice it to ay, I incorporate the locks he describes into my practice. Mula Bandha is the key here. Basically you clench the muscles of your asshole (up to your nuts, not just the easy sphincter muscles) and hold it in rythm with your breathing.
I do pranayama using an app Harper Feist found called MySpiritTools on an iphone. It's free and useful. We use the "Conscious Breathing" exercise. It's got three phases that you can change the settings on. The way I have it configured on my phone is based on seven-second intervals:
- 3 minutes of two-stage breathing (just in and out); seven second inhalation, seven second exhalation.
- 3 minutes of thre-stage breathing (in, hold, out, repeat in); I exercise the throat and anal lock for the time I'm holding my breath.
- 10 minutes of four-stage breating (in, hold, out, hold, then in) for seven seconds each.
When it gets to the hold-your-breath phase of the conscious breathing part, I exercise the locks. I don't know if that's proper technique or whatever, but after 6 weeks of doing that every morning, your muscles get really strong. Use these muscles to control your orgasm. You just focus on Mula Bandha and steady deep breathing when you start to get close to orgasm, and it shifts things, and you last longer.
WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO CUM, DON'T
Seriously, pull out and squeeze that Mula Bandha lock hard. It's like hitting a reset button on your approach to orgasm. It doesn't always work, but the more you do it, the more often it does, and in no time you're in control of your experiences.
I like the parts between getting started and orgasm best anyway. The actual orgasm part at the end is over too fast for my tastes, but the approach is just delicious, and making that last longer is totally worth it, if you're me.
So none of this stuff is new news, I'm not teaching anything you can't find on a google search, and Jason's book is much more comprehensive than this article, but now that I've written it up I can send links to this instead of rewriting it every time.