Monday, June 17, 2019

mid-night

in the middle of the night, i put out my hand, and I feel her there beside me.
she is warm, and i move my hand down the softness of her hips to her legs, curled up, like a child beside me, reminding me how she is sometimes a perfect child, and how she can bring me back to that place too, laughing in the sunshine about the silly little things that are clean, and pure.
but she is a woman, grown, and i know this too. strong, brilliant, and resolved. whole and complete, perfect as she was as a child, but wiser, better at it. sometimes more tired, same as me;
this place can be ... tiring.
in the morning she wakes up, and i can feel her eyes open in my head. she's looking at her phone, watching things, reading things, thinking about what the day will bring. i keep my eyes closed, leaving her to her self. she doesn't need me. she just likes me, loves me for some reason.

i think about that, and when it's time, ask if she's ready for coffee.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

fierce and free

fierce, and free
no slave to thee, i stand strong and DO WHAT I WILL.
and face the consequences.
they usually suck.
because you, you can't handle the truth. not my truth. it is hunger, and it is strange. it is mad, and it is wild. it is clean, and it is pure.
it is mine.
but my love is good, my actions sound, my mind well-reasoned. i do the things that need to be done. i bear the packs, i carry the load, i nibble the harsh nettles for sustenance as i find them along the path.
i do the things that need to be done. for you. and for me.
sometimes, i confess, I am afraid. to say things that might make you angry. i've had bad experiences with that. you guys are harsh. and cruel. and selfish.
and you cannot see my truth!
but i carry, i carry on along the path towards getting things done. i hear you say you love me. i'd like to think it's true, but i have things to do, and i have loved before, long before you came along with your love song, and i saw how that worked out.
and the truth... my truth...
i'll enjoy your caresses, and the sun on the dry grass, the smell of your skin in the summer air, and any assistance you might give, but i have work to do.
i love you too.
but i am fierce, and I am free, and i am truth, and i am pure, and i am perfect, and when i look back on the works of my hand, the miles i have traveled, i will say with clean conscience, i did this, and no one can take that from me.

Saturday, June 15, 2019

them scars

you can see them, the scars from the old days, wounds from past lovers and parents and trusted friends when you look too closely; it's probably better not to speak of them.

you get deeper into it, and you can't help but see that they make them limp a little when the pressure changes, and you want to make it better but you can't, you can't make the scars go away.
but you can watch them fade, a little bit at a time, over years and months and days, and marvel at the resiliency of the human spirit, the mind within, the heart that beats out all the feelings and the love, and that other thing that drives the battered and bruised body through one moment after another on towards the end.

you can't do anything for your friends, or the others we happen to be with here. can't change them. can't help them. can't make it all better.

but...


you can hold their hand and know, for a fact, that they are also holding yours.

Friday, June 14, 2019

the kids are inside

the kids are inside, and we have gone to the back yard to sit in lawn chairs. the sun is highlighting her hair, and we are talking about the things we have to do, the things we've done. the things we have planned.
i look over, and there's a catch in my breath. years we've spent together, faced demons, and angels, became gods with one another.
she is beautiful.
i wonder about the future, what new challenges and victories it will bring. we speak of planting the garden, and work, and all the trifling things. enjoying the company of one another, in the spring.
there is a point in the conversation where she pauses, and I see her go back to the inside places. the places she rarely shares. her mouth tightens, and she takes a sip of our shared drink, and i wonder what thing she is remembering. if she will share, and if i dare ask, what are you thinking?
spring times past, or gardens planted? land furrowed with intent, as our garden is before us? something dark, or difficult?
she looks over, and sees me seeing her, and she smiles at me. pleased, if not happy. content, if not fulfilled. she was born hungry, for life and what it might bring, and there's that un-satisfaction that we have in common, it's not finished yet, there's more to do, and we have to keep on with the work, and the work, and the Work.

but for now, we have the moment, and she reaches over, and holds my hand.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

Falling in Love


falling in love is ... complicated

but you can't help it. she's fun and smart and pretty, and the more you get to love her, the prettier she gets. she's' lovely, has been the whole time. it's your own eyes that are losing scales.

rubbing up against her, you find frictions. sometimes the good ones that fuel the passions of all the good things, other times the heat that changes you that leaves you feeling like you fucked up, and are ready to do better.

she's everywhere you look, all the time, and you love her. she doesn't go away, and you don't want her to, because she is beautiful. so beautiful.

but sometimes she makes you smile, and other times there are tears, and they are also beautiful.

the secret is that she loves you too, and nothing.

nothing.


can prepare you for that.

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Never Fall in Love with a Goddess

never fall in love with a goddess, unless you can.

it’s easy to see throughout history the dangers of women falling for Zeus or being prettier than Hera.

but there’s little mention of the guys who fall for a goddess.

she changes you, man, brings out things that you don’t think you can possibly even attain to.

but you do.

she’s somehow far away, you chase her all day, until you get that moment of breakthrough.

so sweet her cool waters that slake the hot thirst, as you lift her veil

and kiss her mouth

and then she’s gone

again.

words are never enough, she ducks and hides and you lust for a second to catch her attention while she’s busy with things she might mention.

in passing.

you love her, it hurts, but you know what it’s worth, you get stronger with each passing season. closer and sooner, the moments combine and you live for it, no matter the reason.

stronger, smarter, faster, your relentless pursuit helps you master the things that distract you, from the beauty of her eyes. The press of her lips. The treasures between her thighs. Her mind and heart, the quiet sounds of her breathing as she falls asleep.

the things that make you feel alive.

it takes strength, brother, it takes will, and you don’t really know what you’re after until it’s too late to stop because you got that taste, that smell, and it lingers and you want her more, to feel her fingertips on your own, to wake at night and make a light so you can see her face, for a moment.

but it kills you to love a goddess.

it’s a good death, worth every minute, don’t get me wrong, she’s there before long, and you rise up better, man, than you ever were before.

simply because with her, you can.

but never fall in love with a goddess


unless you can.

Some Love Stuff

I published a few things on Facebook that were related to Love while Venus was in Taurus lately. Imma post the ones i like the most here, feel free to share them as you will, or ignore them. I just want them saved.

Friday, May 03, 2019

A Commiseration for the Magi

I think if I could go back and not do the Work, I would. It changes you, and you know things. Things that are harder to live with, more challenging. It gives you the strength to deal with it, but it also makes you more sensitive to things other people don't have to deal with. There are things I'd rather not know, that I know, and I can't forget. There are things I'd rather not know how to do that I can't stop doing now, because there's no off switch, there's just turn it on and go. It ruins you for a normal life. No one ever mentions it, so a warning for folks called to this path: be prepared to be changed. Be prepared to see people in all their weakness, and to love them anyway. Be prepared to set aside your tenets. They are false in the face of love. Be prepared to be wrong, so wrong, and be prepared to be set right. Be prepared for heartache, like you wouldn't believe, grief that feels like death, and these words will not suffice to warn you about that, it's a killer, but then you don't die. You keep on living, in power. In knowledge. And then you have to will and dare. And keep silent. And the learning who and what you are never stops. And sometimes it's amazing, and other time it's just not pretty. And then when you've done the Work, you're aware of all the things you fuck up, and you have to just deal with it. Fix it with the tools you've got at hand. Hope for the best. The "GREAT" in Great Work doesn't mean super fun and always awesome. It just means big. It makes you big. Consider whether you want to be big before you take on the challenge. A bigger you is a bigger you. All you, all the time, and you know it, but you still have feelings, and they are bigger too. I say that as if we have a choice. But it's not like any of us had a choice. We do the Work when we do it, and we suffer the consequences. Consider this a commiseration for the magi. It looked like fun and wealth and power and freedom, and it turned out to be a love that knows no bounds, that won't stop, it just keeps going. There's no escape to some hidden place where you get away from it, there's just this love that goes on and on, and there's ... no off switch.

And I lied at the top of this post. I'd do it every time.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Principles of Discord - Elementary Truths Necessary

Sometime between the late 1980s and early 1990s, it was my good fortune to discover, devour, and distill the essences of the Principia Discordia, forever transforming from your average lame nerd into a super-human magick machine, who saw through the lies, got the joke, and laughed along with the ultimate deity at the punchline.

Most of my friends were on the same kick. Robert Anton Wilson, Robert Shea, Kerry Thornley, Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, Malaclypse the Younger, even old Gruad the Greyface had amazing things to teach us. Phil Hine, Hakim Bey, and Fenwick, with his Fotamecus time bending daimon who was last seen ascending the heavens yelling, "CHRONOS YOUR TIME HAS COME!"

We ate it up, found quarters, did LSD, misquoted William Blake, and painted our Air Jordans neon pink and yellow because fuck you. We listened to Use Your Illusion I & II, and laughed at Axel's attempts to pretend he got it. We read Austin Osman Spare, and Aleister Crowley, and while the OTO was busy figuring out how to treat women like people, we were figuring out "that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves."

And then I spent about 18 years in the region of Thud, and forgot a lot of things, and then I came back to the occult thinking all of y'all understood this fundamental truth.

But ...

You don't.

So Imma teach you.

Starting as soon as I get enough people signed on, I'm going to be teaching 5 classes on the fundamentals of Erisianism, which is condensed chaos, which is loosely outlined in the Principia Discordia.


If you want to join up, it will be $115 total for all five classes ($23 each). You will learn and understand the fundamental truths that make all magick possible, plausible, and effective, including but not limited to:

  • Hexagram 23: Split apart 
    • No Blame My Ass
    • The mystery of the Number 23
      • Even and odd
      • Law of Fives
      • Insights into Gematria
      • Does it Matter?
  • It's all One Thing
    • You were probably an accident, and you're adopted
      • Gnosticism
      • Christianity
      • Patriarchy sucks
    • Neoplatonism and Hermetics
      • The history
      • The Practices
        • Contemplation
        • Sending Rude Letters
        • Feeling Better than Plotinus
      • The Legacy
        • Angels and Daimons
        • You got your Theurgy in my Goetia
        • Transcendentalism isn't ALL bad
    • Kings and Kingdoms shall all pass away
      • Time and the illusion of not being one thing
      • Saturn/Binah/Mom cries bitter tears
      • Joy of being transients
  • The Erisian Mystery
    • The Original Snub
    • Apples and Ambrosia
    • Vanity has a peel
    • Who is the Prettiest?
    • The Secret Formula: 23 23/23 Kallisti!
  • Nothing is real, all is permitted
    • Fate and Determinism in a Rational and Irrational Universe
    • Limits and where they come from
    • Options and where they come from
    • Imagination, and Working it Out
    • Do what thou wilt, motherfuckers
  • Crowley wasn't wrong: Fuckin' works
    • Sex Magick is awesome
    • Jizzing on sigils is gross
    • Chaos magick is stupid
    • Creating Magical Children
    • Creating Magical Currents
So yea, I'm going there. All those places. I'm inviting you to join me, because there's a thing about me that people don't get, and that means there's a thing about you that you don't get.

Let's fix this shit.

Friday, February 15, 2019

A Pseudo-Review of One Truth and One Spirit

Keith Readdy has recently published One Truth and One Spirit, subtitled "Aleister Crowley's Spiritual Legacy." This is not a true review, this is just a tribute.

In this work, Keith has put together a lot of his personal research and published it for consumption by the masses. Overall, his research is interesting and provides an insight into history from a perspective that quite a few people will find useful in years to come.

His academic and political presentations have been properly (in my humble opinion) analyzed, exposed, and addressed nicely in the following reviews:

Review 1: By an OTO member who values Thelemic promulgation, sees the failures of the OTO in this regard, and wants to see it do better; also, I think, he feels that the Southern Baptist approach to Thelema is stupid, and that the idea of Duplexity is inbred white trash bullshit (paraphrasing, with intent). Neutral in terms of A.'.A.'. affiliation (he won't join my preferred group, the bastard), and an honest expression of his likes and dislikes of Readdy's work.

Review 2: By an OTO member who values historic accuracy. Tons of historically provable facts, relies primarily on his 20 years of experience in the OTO and documentation he's had access to, and his personal research. Totally one of Grady's lineage in regards to the A.'.A.'., as becomes clear in his discourse.

As much as I would LOVE to contribute another rebuttal to the presuppositions Keith's book assumes, I don't think it's entirely necessary. People aware of the facts are aware of the facts, and there will be plenty of links to these reviews available online.

Suffice it to say, the public face of the A.'.A.'. claimant group that the OTO is currently partnering with is founded on a dude from Tennessee's assertion that he talked to the Secret Chiefs sometime in the 70s, and they told him he's the leader of the A.'.A.'., for real, for real, he means it.

Meanwhile the actual A.'.A.'.'s outer face continues its work, regardless of OTO recognition or affiliation, as it has since Aleister Crowley oversaw Jane Wolfe's progress at Cefalu. There is only one A.'.A.'., and there is only one group that has maintained its link to its root and core. If you're interested in the real A.'.A.'., check out OneStarinSight.org.

But Keith Readdy put a ton of work into producing this book, and I know how hard that can be. I respect the work he's done, and the information he provides. I've read most of it previously, when he published it under other pseudonyms publicly.

I initially described this book as a Frankenstein's monster sewn together from other works into a shambling golem stumbling towards some unsustainable view of the OTO dictated by Shiva X, a dude in Texas, and J. Daniel Gunther.

That was probably a little harsh.

My brother Keith spent a lot of time putting together his book, and that shit's hard to do. This is a sizable chunk of his life, and I admire his ability to put this all together. I feel like he's sincere in what he presents, and is super focused on making certain points, documenting them clearly and concisely.

I also think he's a pawn being used by a tiny little cabal in the OTO to further their overall plans of invalidating all other A.'.A.'. claimant groups, with a specific hard on against Phyllis Seckler and her heirs.

Keith uses a lot of source-citing in his book, which is good. Unfortunately, I know the magical motto and civilian names of at least one of the people he cites repeatedly. He cites them as if they were different people in the footnotes, and that is kinda cool, you don't want to out your brothers and sisters for sure, but it makes it look like he's got twice as many sources supporting the Duplexity argument than he does. In real life, it's one guy who had a thought and wrote an essay that Shiva X thought was cool, and then it got spun up into some kind of big deal. I happen to  like him as a brother in the OTO, even though we disagree about things A.'.A.'. in all the possible ways.

His Duplexity argument is just trash. Not worth worrying over.

I super enjoyed reading Keith's book. It's a snapshot of what some OTO Thelemites think about Thelema in general. It's full of contradictions, and would fail every kind of basic internal consistency checks required by most documents, but it gives an interesting perspective on the history, present, and future of the OTO and the A.'.A.'. as it is currently viewed by one faction of organized Thelema.

And it has interesting anecdotes.

I would recommend reading it in context of the diaries of Jane Wolf, the Red Flame books regarding Jane and Crowley, and Karl Germer's correspondence with Phyllis and Jane. Understanding the roots of the animosity against Phyllis that is expressed in this book also requires reading James Wasserman's Through the Fire. It puts the whole thing into perspective, young pup meets A.'.A.'. leadership, doesn't like that it's a woman who tells him he's doing something he shouldn't be doing yet based on his obvious drug addictions and incomplete preparation for the rite, rebels and goes to someone else who has an actual penis because that's what matters most to him.

Ugh.

Anyway, if you read Keith's book, respect the work that he put into it, forgive his bias, and spend some effort learning the full story of how things work. It's not his fault.

The Law that was adopted by the O.T.O. comes from the A.'.A.'., as Crowley states in Liber CCC. I support the OTO because it's easy. At the end of the day though, the OTO is not the One True Thelemic body that will carry out the work of the A.'.A.'. if it loses sight of the actual Law; it's only the most convenient at the moment. If members in positions of authority continue to push against the legitimate heirs to the A.'.A.'. in favor of 1970's would-be gurus who hear voices confirming their innermost desires, the A.'.A.'. will find a better vehicle to support its work.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Knowledge and Conversation with the Holy Guardian Angel, Part 1

Hey guys, I'm going to host a talk Monday evening at 6:00 PM Central on the Holy Guardian Angel, and what it's all about, and what it's really like when you meet them, and how to have a good time in the process of meeting them.

Topics will include, but are not limited to:


  • The History of the HGA
  • Methods of Meetings
  • Conversation, it's a Thing


I'm only planning to talk for 45 minutes or an hour, but I'd love to have you present to ask questions and interact. It's a nice way to wrap up the weekend, in my opinion. $25 for a seat.


Saturday, January 12, 2019

Conjuring Demons using the Seven Spheres Technique: An Hour-Long Workshop

Edit a
[Edit Again: Due to popular demand, I will be having another one Monday January 14, 2019 from 6:00-7:00 PM CST.]

I'm going to be offering a class on conjuring Demons using the techniques of conjuration described in the Seven Spheres. I'll be focusing on the Dukes, because I like them the most, and Bune specifically, because ... eloquence. I needs some.

You'll get a talk from me for about 30-45 minutes, a Q&A session for about 15 minutes, and all you have to do is send me $25 through PayPal.

If you're interested, please respond by 12:00 PM Central. I'll send the Gotomeeting information to the emails associated with your PayPal, unless you tell me otherwise. You can ping me on FaceBook Messenger if you want the info sent to a different email address.

You'll dial in, I'll be on with a camera, you'll learn, and in one hour you'll know everything you need to conjure a spirit in ways that would make Jake Stratton-Kent turn over in his grave, if he were dead yet. Use the button below to make sure I know you're interested.