Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Golden Dawn Saga: Episode 4.1 (Fanfic)

In the previous episode, we saw the daring leather-duster-bedecked hero narrowly escape a daring attempt on his life. Speculation on the true nature of this Phantom Menace's identity were tantalizingly dropped, hints given to open tiny windows into the tiny brain of the protagonist's inner paranoid delusions.

Could it have been an inside job? Was Fr. SR making a play for complete leadership of the HOGD? Or was it Nick Farrell, who suddenly discovered the ability to conjure his way out of a wet paper bag? Could it have been the Lovecraftian feline emissaries of Morgan "Machiavelli" Eckstein? Slideshow Blob, casting curses from whatever cheap hotel he's hiding from the authorities in? One of the nameless Silent Majority, sick to death of the bullshit and finally realizing they only swore to do no evil, and this might not count?

Or maybe... just maybe... it was a previously unknown character, casting evil, dangerous black magick from such terrible forbidden tomes as...  the PICATRIX!!!

I must admit, I was hanging on the edge of my seat in fear for David's very life! Would he make it? Would he survive!?!? Would he learn to spell Miracle right!?!?!?!?? The suspense was killing me.

Fortunately, he lived. And boy, was I relieved. Let me tell you.

Well, by Christ, I wasn't going to let it slide, no way. If something happened to David, someone might blame me! Wouldn't want those dangerous GD magicians all cursing me and shit in their misguided defense of their thorny thorny rose.*

So the intrepid RO that I am, I searched high and low, releasing my hordes of astral Eyes and Ears to sniff out and report the dastardly perpetrator of this heinous event.

And at last I have found him!

Bitch, you're making my coat look stupid.
It was Neo the whole time!

Apparently he didn't take kindly to DG's appropriation of his iconic leather duster.

But don't worry, concerned citizens, I talked to him about the whole thing, and after he heard what I had to say he said:

And I was like, nah man, there are some really cool GD folks out there getting a lot out of the system. They aren't all douches or gullible fools easily led around by the nose, susceptible to ludicrous stories of made up persecutions to unite them against an imaginary common foe.

Some of them are really cool. With advanced senses of humor.

* Note to the stupid GD people who already are "cursing" me:

1) Sending the spirits of the Lemegeton's Goetia against me, especially those with whom I have an established working relationship, is hilarious. They're all, "Hey RO, guess who's mad at you? Want me to take 'em out for you?" And I'm all, "LOL, yeah."

2) I will lift countermeasures for the low, low price of $175.. no, for you it's $275. I didn't tell 'em to kill ya, oh no, nothing like that, you don't get off that easy. They're just going to take your money, your vehicles, your health, and for at least one of you, those you hold dear (bitch, you came after my family, for reals? That was stupid. I'm shocked that you would be so ignorant... oh wait, no I'm not.) Send me a grovelling apologetic email, make me really believe you're sorry, and I'll tell you where to send the money.