I've been avoiding talking about this, and it's probably time to bite the bullet.
After the fire, I started getting checks in the amounts that I have been requested from Bune. My weekly rites to Bune for wealth seem to have worked out really well, if the only results that matter are the dollar amounts. Unfortunately, the results included things I hadn't thought about.
From one point of view, it's experience that brings the same old lesson I've been learning for years: be specific when you do magic. I could keep doing Goety and remember to always say, "may no one be physically, mentally, or spiritually damaged as you bring about the results I desire, and let no harm or catastrophic event like MY HOUSE BURNING DOWN occur." But that's not really going to fix much.
The fire is an event that led me to take spiritual inventory. Bune's been great at getting me money, and I have no complaints about his effectiveness in getting cash. He definitely brings riches to a man. But it's been consistently temporary, consistently accompanied by pain and stress. Right now, I'm thinking that there's a time and place for Goety, but maybe it shouldn't be my primary focus. In the Modern Goetic Grimoire, I talk a lot about going through the spheres and getting intiiations so that we're empowered to do the Goetic magic effectively, but I think I should have been focusing on more than just the personal empowerment. It was irresponsible.
I mean, why do I always need a lot of cash windfalls? Because I don't save or spend wisely. Maybe I should be focusing on the root problem instead of putting in requests for massive amounts of cash that have to come through extraordinary events. I mean, really, in your every-day life, how many ways are there for $5,000 to just appear?
I didn't do one of the most important things I tell others to do: PLAN. Jason talks about it in Sorcerer's Secrets or on his blog STRATEGIC Sorcery, that you really need to create a plan for the spirits to work through in order for it to materialize. He talks about how you can't do a rite to get laid and then sit there on your computer, not shower, never go where women are, and expect the spirits to bring a woman knocking on your door asking for sex. The same applies to all magic. I asked for money, didn't specify how it should come, and the spirits allowed something terrible to happen that resulted in the money coming in.
What a drag. Everything I've said about how spirits work is true. I really can manifest a lot of money using them. But without strategy, without a plan, there's no telling how it's going to come. It's just plain dangerous to do Goety, or any other kind of magic without fore-thought.
So my magic in the present and foreseeable future isn't going to include Goety, or much interaction with the spirits closest to the material plane. Instead, I'm going back to the Work of changing my self, fine tuning my planning abilities, focusing on changing bad behavioral patterns, and developing the heart and mind to accomplish my goals.
You know how embarrassing this is? I mean, really, I think pretty highly of myself as a magician. To fall into this trap, the very thing I've warned about is just humiliating.Worse than that, my family is suffering because I fucked up. I've got more money in the bank right now than I've had in years. Big deal. I failed to proactively assess potential methods to manifest the cash, I failed to do any divination, and I failed to keep my family safe. Yes, we all got out alive, and as everyone tells me, "That's the most important thing."
It's true, things could be much worse, and I'm sure my magic to protect my family mitigated some of the worst possible effects.
But that doesn't keep my son from getting weird looks at the Scout meeting when he has to tell everyone what happened. He doesn't say, "My dad needed money, so he did magic, and Bune burned down the house and we're all fine, but we lost our HOME for 3-6 months." He doesn't say, "My dad was too lazy to clean out the furnace room even though Mom told him to a week before the fire." He doesn't even say, "My dad was too ignorant to perform the maintenance on the the furnace and water heater that would have revealed the problems that resulted in the fire." He just tells it like it is from his point of view, "My house caught on fire, and we're safe, and my cat's safe, and now we live in a hotel."
But I know. I know I failed to protect my family from the trauma we're going through. I failed as a husband and father. I failed as a magician. I failed as a man.
It's not the end of my life or anything. It's an eye-opener, and it's definitely given me a reality check. I'm "powerful," but clumsy. I'm experienced, but lazy. I'm wise, but irresponsible. I am NOT a complete failure, but I recognize that in this instance, I failed.
So I'm addressing that failure magically. I'm owning it, because it's mine. I earned it. I'm not condemning myself or thinking I can never amount to anything more than a man who failed in so many ways, but I've got to be honest about it, honest with myself, and make the changes that have to be made.
So over on the follower's list, I've gotten rid of the appeal to Bune. I'm hesitant now about making a blind evocation of Goetic powers. I'm not "blessing" people using Goetic Spirits any more. I've gained a respect for the powers I play with that I was lacking before.
Now, I know I may seem like I'm beating myself up in this post. Please, rest assured that I still think pretty highly of myself. I'm damned awesome, an asset to anyone's circle of friends, and I'm pretty cool too. I'm publicly owning up to mistakes I made because this blog is primarily about the Great Work, and this is some shit that I have to go through in the process.